my "one word"

about a year ago during our couple-day christmas holiday, i became obsessed with the "blogosphere"! everywhere i was reading i seemed to find women writing about their "one word". i soon discovered this "one word" concept is praying over and choosing a word for your year. i loved this idea. a word i could look to when i wasn't sure what the lord was doing. a word i could cling to as a promise. so i began to pray, and i feel like He gave me my "one word"...

EXPECTANT.

He wanted me to live expectantly. He wanted me to look to Him for what was unfolding. He wanted me to believe with HOPE the promises He sets before me. and boy was it a year full of living open-handed and expectantly awaiting His goodness.

about half way through the year, i heard Him speak another word over my life. at this point i kinda felt my life was falling apart (no drama here, don't worry ;) ). but in the midst of my despair, He faithfully whispered another word:

ABUNDANCE. 

so my "one word" turned into two words, but these two words have defined my year. as i shakily take steps of faith, i'm reminded i can live expectantly...and then as i stride forward, He has showered abundance. although two words, i've found they're kind of linked together. as i live with an expectant heart, He shows me His abundance in the most unexpected places!

expectant & abundance.

words spoken over me with purpose. words that point me to Him. words that take me out of myself. words of HOPE. words that transform my perspective. words that portray faithfulness. words that beckon onward. words that draw me deeper. words that lead to intimacy. words from Him, for me. this two-word pattern has manifested itself in countless ways over the past year, but here are just a few:

• being uprooted from my asian "home"...for His plans are far better
• finding my new asian "home" has richer abundance than i could've ever asked or imagine
• the gift of specific relationships this year
• seeing new LIFE come in a place of darkness
• the depths of knowing God's heart
• beginning to see purposes of suffering
• discovering glorious certainties
  

as i walk into 2015, i've asked Jesus for a new word. i believe i hear Him speaking the word ENTRUST over this new year. i am praying that i will indeed entrust myself more fully to Him: surrendering all my unknowns to His perfect hand. who knows, He might add another word somewhere along the way, but for now my prayer is to ENTRUST!

faithful whispers.

in the midst of a place where there are no external reminders that Christmas is 4 days away, He is faithfully whispering reminders of what advent is all about: he has come and he will come. this phrase has been the mantra whispered to me each day of december. his soft voice beckons, and his words draw me close. the savior born in filth; the savior that brings life; the savior born that man no more may die. indeed, he has come. yet, many days the darkness seems obtrusive; the number of unbelievers overwhelming; the messiness of life unbearable. he reminds me: he will come. in a place that seems to have forgotten Christmas, i have the JOY of knowing this SECRET: he has come and he will come. more than ever before my heart feels so steadied in the true purpose of Christmas. as life marches by like just another day this thursday, i have untold anticipation of the redemption story that changes everything! i’m thankful for a month that has brought me to a place of adoration.

i can worship the King who left His throne for us alongside local brothers and sisters, he has come.

when i pass countless faces and wonder if they will ever know Him, he reminds me: he will come.

as i sit down with girls and see their faces come alive to His truth, i hear the whispers: he has come.

as i mourn over another christmas spent away and long for a forever “home", i know: he will come.

as we bake cookies and cakes and try to bring the holidays to east asia, we celebrate: he has come.

when i explain the origin of exchanging gifts and how we have already been given the greatest gift, he whispers: he will come.

as you celebrate the holidays, i pray for sweet reminders each day: HE HAS COME AND HE WILL COME! 

the shape of grace.

"The goodness and mercy of God isn’t just following after me placidly. The goodness and mercy of God pursues after me passionately. And God’s blessings don’t pursue temporarily — but relentlessly. Whatever is chasing you — no matter what it looks like — it’s grace. And grace isn’t what makes us feel good: grace is all that makes us more like Jesus. Because the real truth is: God wants to bless more than we want to be blessed. So why run from whatever God is giving? It’s only got to be for my ultimate good and His ultimate glory. And nothing can overwhelm me — like grace can overtake me." Anne Voskamp.

psalm 23:6 proclaims, "surely the goodness and mercy of God shall follow me all the days of my life, and i will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." i read this blog [based on that verse] about a week ago, and boy has it been convicting me, challenging me, and compelling me to the cross. this season of transition has been one of difficulty, tears, perceived loneliness, and questioning for me. it has been messy...and i don't tend to do messy well. but i'm beginning to learn that in the midst of messy is where HE tends to show up. 

as i've been trying to run from so much that God has given in this season, i've been missing the GLORY that He's bringing and the shape His grace is forming to me today. in my head i could come up with a million scenarios that would "be better" than what my reality is right now (if only so and so were still here, if my national friends/sisters were still around, if i could just eat something familiar, if i didn't have to pretend i know enough language to get 10 people through medical exams and passport exchanges, etc etc etc)...but in my wishing away what is, i was totally missing the rich PORTION that the Lord has for in this season. i was denying that His grace could come in the shape of difficult circumstance. i was fleeing the notion that life should be anything but comfortable. i was longing for my own definition of "good" rather than pressing into what His might look like. 

the whole aim of this Christian life is to know more of Jesus and that our lives might be molded to look more like His. so WHY DO I RUN? why do i ask for sanctification but feel surprised when it comes? because if grace makes us more like Jesus, that means it strips away more of my sinful flesh--so that's gotta be painful and difficult. as i see Jesus' grace anew in fresh ways here in this corner of the world, i'm asking for RENEWAL. i'm asking that the Lord would daily SLAY that which is of my flesh and GIVE LIFE to that which is of Himself. because He promises when our minds are renewed, transformation comes. but i know in the asking, i'm stepping further into the uncomfortable. conforming to the world comes far too easily to me...i want to be expectant and looking for ways this transformation can make me look more like Jesus. goodness though, i know it'll be messy...

living in east asia is...

people often ask me what my life over here in this corner of the world is like. i give a jumbled number of answers depending on the day, but lately i've kept record of a few snapshots that seem to characterize it well. sooo living in east asia is:

• a "10 minute taxi ride across town" taking 2 hours.
• having to go to multiple branches of the same phone store to get service...and it totaling 6 hours.
• being a child with my language ability everyday.
• men hanging out of your window on a string to fix the A/C.
• knowing God more because dependence is mandatory as all comforts and distractions are stripped away.
• asking for roast duck and then being told you just ordered a male prostitute because you missed the tones...
• waking up @ 4 AM for auburn football games...with your 15 new best friends.
• enduring a "physical exam" consisting of blood samples, urine tests, EKG, ultrasound, x-rays, eye exam, and a check-up...all for only $70.
• taking 2 non-negotiable hours of tai chi each week.
• grasping more of this "joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory" because it's a place that is so hungry for it.
• waking up to 8-20 texts each day because "america is awake".
• knowing how to bargain for prices on everything from a slab of meat to your cell phone bill.
• 1 sunny day in the entire month.
• riding in the 4x4 foot elevator box with two asian men chiefing cigs on either side of you. (fire hazard?!)
• navigating cafeteria lines for lunch everyday and trying to decipher what the food might be.
• seeing LIFE come to a place of utter darkness.
• FaceTime dates for dayzzz with my family and friends.
• paying your gas bill with the help of a random asian driver because the shower surprisingly turns to ice halfway through.
• buying vegetables with blood spattering from the butcher chopping a black chicken on the next table over.
• playing "frogger" every time i cross the road.
• glimpsing JESUS more each day as i live as an "elect exile".

summer marathon.

my "summer break" included a 5 week tour of america. i got to see so many precious friends, a good percentage of my wonderful family, and a few of my favorite places along the way. i drove a couple thousand miles, took my 34th flight of the year, and zipped along behind the boat a few times. as i expressed at the beginning of the month, I prayed this summer would fill my cup and boy did it. i don't know quite how "restful" it was but it was full in all the best ways! so i've finished my marathon of a summer and am getting ready to head back into the orient. before i depart i thought i'd share a few snapshots to give you a tour of my american adventures:

my favorite place. 

4th of July: celebrating all things AMERICA.

they sure don't have sunsets like this in asia.

pure barre+paddle board. 

in minneapolis for my cousins wedding. 

the cutest grandparents you ever did see. 

CASS+TEE! 

sparklers. 

favorite place with some of my favorite people. 

3 generations. my precious awee! 

AUBURN with more of my favorites. 

goodness can't quite imagine life without y'all next door yet. 

MW+BENNETT! 

he put a ring on it!!! got to see my newly engaged bestie. 

even a little nashville date. 

family reunion for alice+jeff's wedding! 

the sweetest roomie came to send me back with love! 

tearful airport goodbyes. 

so i might've visited chickfila everyday this summer...

as i return to a new "home", i'm boldly praying this scripture for myself and all my friends traveling with me:

"to this end we always pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of his calling and may fulfill every resolve for good and every work of faith by his power." 2 thessalonians 1:11

and now we're off to the ORIENT...

exponential multiplication.

whew, i've been "home" in america for exactly 2 weeks and what a whirlwind it's been! i've gotten to spend time with my sweet family and dear friends and have been soaking up all things "normal". i'm trying to see this as a month to FILL MY CUP before i head back to a place that often requires pouring out--usually way more than i even think i have to pour! 

lately, one song seems to be the soundtrack of my life: "not for a moment" by meredith andrews. a friend shared this song with me a couple months ago, and a day has not gone by since that i haven't listened to it. it does a good job of reminding me where the true fulfillment of my cup must come from. since being home i've been asked a few times "so wait, you're actually still going back?" (i guess my last blog post of life in shambles left some unanswered questions). and indeed, yes, i am going back. because even though this season has been one of confusion, of turmoil, of (can i even say it) suffering...through it all i have clearly known the Lord's presence. the bridge of this song proclaims:

"every step, every breath you are there. every tear, every cry, every prayer. in my hurt, at my worst, when my world falls down--not for a moment will you forsake me. even in the dark, even when it's hard, you will never leave me. after all, you are constant. after all, you are only good. after all, you are sovereign. not for a moment, will you forsake me".

in the past couple months, i was sure my whole world had fallen apart. but now, looking back, i can see evidences of God stripping me of my tendency to look elsewhere for dependence; i see Him making all new ways: paths in the wilderness and streams in the dessert (isaiah 43:18-19); i see my stable foundation that doesn't waver, yet i see Him reworking what i considered to be the "good" on top of that. and the CONSTANT in all of that: i see HIM. not for a moment does He forsake us. not for a moment do i have to doubt. through every tear, every cry, and every prayer He has been with me and as i step forward into the much unknown of the future, He'll be with me still! 

last week i had a very "filling" day. as friends gathered to hear stories of my year and the ways i've gotten to see the Lord work, i too could marvel of His intricately great ways! before leaving they prayed over me for what is ahead. two different friends prayed and spoke the words of "exponential multiplication" over me. there are so many aspects of my life that i long to see the Lord grow: relationships, communication, faith, trust, surrender, and so much more. so as i enjoy this season of "filling", i am fervently praying that this would be a year that would multiply exponentially for the sake of the Kingdom. i would love for you to join me in this prayer! because after all, He is only good!

but good christian girls aren't supposed to be frazzled?

i've started to write this blog a number of times but seem to find the delete button faster than i can formulate words. i love jesus and i live in east asia, so my life should be blog-able everyday right? but what about when it isn't? what about the days...no weeks...no months when life has felt frantic. frazzled. full. those words aren't supposed to be what describes a good christian girl; they don't resemble peace or comfort or rest. but in the past two months, these feelings have characterized my days and flooded my mind. 

after months of prayerful consideration about whether to stay in east asia another year, i thought the lord brought me to a full point of surrender in saying "yes". little did i know this was the first of many much bigger "yes's". this first yes felt like perhaps the most uncomfortable decision i could make because i knew the life that potentially awaited me in nashville seemed every sense of IDEAL, but the Lord made it unwaveringly clear that He was calling me back here next year. despite so much unknown health-wise, despite being half-a-world-away from my family again, despite missing a bunch of dear friends weddings, despite my desire to one day teach, despite this guy i like being that same half-a-world-away; somehow God has given me a love for life in east asia and called me to say yes.

a few days after saying this first yes and in the coming weeks, i felt like the ground got ripped out from underneath me...again and again and again. i first found out my current "home" could no longer be home to me. i couldn't go to school at my sweet art-school, i couldn't eat at my favorite places, i couldn't spend time with the new sisters in this corner of the world. you're probably thinking "asia is asia, moving is no big deal, right?"...but then imagine on a whim someone telling you to move 2 states away to totally start over on a super short timeline.....oh and to figure all that out in another language (moving trucks, renting apartments, school, everything).  and then not only that, but a bunch of these people who have become like family on this side of the world, they wouldn't be moving with you either. TALK ABOUT TEARS. i've just been a puddle. but in those tears, i feel like the lord is beginning to strip me of myself.

the past couple months have been months of stripping: stripping away expectations, stripping away comforts, stripping away fears, stripping away everything that's keeping me from knowing more of jesus. so in that, i know it has to be good, right? the bible repeatedly says that suffering is for our good and His glory. but to be honest, right now it really doesn't feel very good. but then i see examples of joseph, of paul. their lives were marked by repeated suffering, but instead of running from it or asking for an out, they asked the Lord to accomplish HIS purposes. they trusted; they said yes. so even though i can understand so little of what He's doing or why it has to look like this; even though i feel frazzled because my life seems to feel like it's in shambles; even though i barely know how to take two steps forward; i'm trying to say yes. i'm trusting HIS plans, i'm longing for HIS purposes. but wow does it feel like a mess right now. thankful for our God--who doesn't tarry but enters right into my mess. 

i'd love for you to pray with and for me in this season of messy: for myself with all the transition, for my city and the Lord's plans for it, for my friends over here, for what leaving looks like, for trusting Him even when circumstances tempt me to turn to anything else.

"our God is in the HEAVENS; He does ALL that He pleases." psalm 115:3.

welcome to our world.

every year auburn offers a "vision trip" for friends and family to come over and step into our lives for the week. due to my unexpected return to the states, i actually landed back in our city an hour before our crew of 20 visitors arrived! my parents were supposed to be on this trip, but also due to my venture back to nashville and the unknown timeline of my medical needs, they ended up not being able to make it. i was disappointed they could not experience this crazy place i now call home firsthand, but was so thankful for they way they loved me up and sent me back into this harvest! as an added blessing, my best friend Rebekah, her mom, and a slew of other precious guests were actually here in EAST ASIA right as i landed to help me transition back!!!

i mean can you believe it: my best friend with me in asia...all was right in the world! it was such a JOYOUS week. i loved being able to show off our city, bring our guests to class with us, have them meet our friends here, and just see what life is like on the day-to-day. we took a few trips into town to see the 'big city' side of things, ate at all our favorite restaurants, took a trip to the local market (which caused some people to not eat the rest of the trip...), and just got to be together for hours on hours! since this place and this year has made a forever-impression on my life, it was so special for me to be able to share it with reb. now instead of just stories or simply names, these are now places she's been and people she's met. the statistics have instead become friends; the absurdity has now been experienced first-hand! reb is truly a one-of-a-kind friend who stepped into my life here, took it all in, spoke truth/love/encouragement to me, and now fully "gets it". the Lord's graciousness to me is great, and this sweet gift from Him is not one i take for granted!

we ended the week with a little trip to beijing! i had never been to this iconic city so was just as excited as our visitors to see the sites and explore all around. we saw chinese acrobats do the most crazy things with their bodies--it didn't seem like it should be humanly possible to contort as they did. we saw the GREAT WALL, and it was truly great. apparently we had the best weather the city has seen in years: we could see for miles from the top of the wall--God's glory just astounds me! we also got to experience the famous "silk markets" where you can buy anything knock-off you can imagine for pennies on the dollar...talk about full on asia. it was a wonderful weekend in beijing, but i am thankful to live where we do! beijing felt a lot like america but more a part of america i would never want to live in. thus i am happy to be home sweet home and back to the routine here!

 

surprise detour.

when i left for asia last summer, i said goodbye to all things america for what i thought would be the entire year. yet as the Lord tends to do, He had some big surprises in store for me this year. one such surprise was this persistent and unresolved health issue...due to lack of answers, i wound up back in nashville seeking some better healthcare. no one was more shocked than me by this little detour: we booked a flight back and 36 hours later i was on a plane to america: enter culture SHOCK. when i finally got to the nashville airport (after about 40 hours of solo travel), i was greeted by the most precious friends dressed in their scrubs and america gear with posters, flowers, and chickfila as well as the most wonderful parents! i couldn't have imagined a better welcome party, and i soon realized it was a miracle in itself that i made it home due to major snow/ice storms the two days i was flying. God's steady hand of protection and provision keeps showing up in this whole process.

see that tiny circle of no snow...yep, that's nash. over 10,000 cancelled flights during my two travel days.

the majority of my time back in the states was spent at doctors and hospitals trying to figure out what was wrong with me. my fear of all things medical remained, but the fact that the doctors, nurses, secretaires, and everyone in between spoke english eased my heart and mind greatly. plus, when you're sick, there truly is nothing better than being cared for by your mommy...and boy did mine do the best job! our faithful Father had his hand upon the doctors i saw, the unbelievably efficient timing of it all, and the intricate care i was given. i underwent many tests including blood tests, multiple parasite tests, an endoscopy, sigmoidoscopy, a test to see if i'm absorbing nutrients, and a homeopathic examination. fortunately, i am absorbing nutrients...beyond that, everything kept returning negative. the doctor sent me back with his blessing and is still in the process of trying to figure out how we treat symptoms. it is a huge blessing that so many illnesses we feared might live in me were nowhere to be found. during these couple weeks, i felt showered in love from so many: apparently when you're sick people give you flowers and wow did these brighten up my days!! i also was shocked to see that sunshine...after living in a place where it rarely exists, i just couldn't get used to this daily sighting! 

while home i also got to have a bit of FUN! apparently there's only so much time you can actually spend at the doctor/getting tests done and then you have to await results. so in this waiting time, the Lord had abundantly more than what i could've asked or imagined in store. i got to see some of my Chinese friends from Auburn (who drove 4 hours to see me) and hear about their growing community groups and tell them about my experiences in their homeland! one of my BEST friends got ENGAGED (i guess i better thank michael for that one)...and i got to be there for this sweet weekend with her family and our friends!! and i was able to join the crane clan for our favorite holiday celebration: mardi gras. there truly is nothing like new orleans carnival season!

after two and a half weeks home, i was finally assured i could indeed get on my flight back to the orient and jump back in on what the lord has here! my visit home was unexpected, but the time it gave me with my parents was one of the sweetest gifts i could've imagined...they love me in such a way that i can glimpse how Jesus does; what a treat! they love me enough to know that i was GIDDY to be heading back...i don't think my heart ever truly made it back to nashville as my daily communication and interest centered on this crazy little asian place i've grown to love! before i left i had a precious send-off dinner with my ballin' cool friends, ate chickfila about 5 more times, and headed back "home"! my family over here rode over an hour on the subway to come greet me and it was the BEST reunion i could've imagined. thankful to be back and falling back into the 'normal' of life around here...

anddd we're back: group pictures always include random asians.

#adventuresquad: TOP 10.

in our country, "christmas break" just isn't a thing...instead, all universities, restaurants, companies, and stores take a break for the new year holiday (which happened to be january 31st...you can riddle me that...). so we had a couple week break from school and some time away from hanging with our native friends where we got to explore some more of asia! although i have countless crazy stories, the absolute best memories, and pretty incredible pictures; squeezing it all into one blog post proved to be a challenge. i decided to make a "vacay top 10" to summarize our trip...so get ready for a whirlwind recap (in the order of adventure):

1) let the adventures begin (siem reap, cambodia). i traveled with a crew of 10, and we aptly named ourselves the #adventuresquad, as we conquered all of cambodia in a week and then spent another week exploring the beautiful beaches of thailand. i don't think i've ever laughed as hard as i did on this vacation. just to give you an idea: the guy below, miller, tried to get his pet turtle thompson through security our first night. although thompson sadly didn't make the trip, he started our adventure en route to unforgettable laughs....

i've never had a welcome sign with my name on it...

2) sunset at angkor wat (siem reap, cambodia). these ancient temples are the oldest religious buildings in the world. we spent the day biking ~30 miles from wat to wat with glimpses like this all along the way. it was the perfect first day of adventure: besides biking, we climbed all around the wats without restriction...makes me thankful we live in asia where rules aren't really a thing either. in the end, it was a day of #highwattage.

3) #adventuresquad (comin' atcha from all over asia). the coolest travel crew you could imagine, enough said.

lookin' a bit like real world china.

4) jungle trekking (ratanakiri, cambodia). not sure exactly what "trekking" was, we signed up for a day of adventure with our new friend and guide 'smiley'. we soon found out trekking is simply hiking without a path. we had a blast exploring the jungle of cambodia, eating soup cooked in a bamboo shoot, and swimming in waterfalls along the way. our legs bore the brunt of this adventure as we emerged undeniably scarred by this trek: #worthit

girls TREK selfie

5) planes, trains, automobiles, and MORE... (banlung and phnom pehn, cambodia). while traveling we racked up some crazy statistics including the fact that we traveled by plane, train, car, taxi, van, tuk-tuk, songthaew, bicycle, boat, ferry, motorbike, bus, elephant, pickup truck, and zipline (shoutout to fraser for this thorough listing). here are some of my favorites and clearly the most fun:

scooter ridin' through uncharted lands

tuk-tuk selfies for days

6) volcanic crater lake and waterfall swimming (banlung, cambodia). the bros i traveled with made an effort to swim as often as possible. we made some unforgettable memories and these pictures give a little glimpse into the unbelievable experiences. 

terch flippin' on into that crater lake (photo cred: chris o)

waterfall explorin'

how picturesque is this...can you believe we got to swim here?! (phot cred: fras)

7) sunset at the beach (koh lanta, thailand). one night i got to have a really fun dinner with this phenomenal view at the coolest little restaurant called "noon". each night at the beach we were floored by the glorious sunsets that engulfed our views! after six months of not seeing the sun in my new hometown, i've started storing up views like this!!

beyond what words can describe.

8) scuba diving (koh ha, thailand). this picture alone screams of the beauty we were surrounded by the entire week in thailand. i had the chance to scuba dive in this breath-taking water, see fascinating coral reefs and fishies, and even find NEMO! i can confidently say this is the most beautiful place i have ever been.

have you ever seen such incredible water?!

9) jungle FLIGHT (chiang mai, thailand). in chiang mai, the most popular attraction is zip-lining through the treetops. of course we could not pass that up. a crew of 24 of my new friends spent the day zip-lining through some of the most beautiful vista views i've ever seen! 33 platforms, 24 ziplines, 3 sudden drops, and an obstacle course of a hike later, we could hardly believe what we got to experience!

besties do ziplines.

10) i mean i'm riding an ELEPHANT (chiang mai, thailand). this was for sure on my life bucket-list...i still can't believe it actually came true!! after an unexpected adventure of a day, we finally ended up at the elephant park where we got to see elephants dance, play soccer, paint a picture with it's trunk, and RIDE. at one point when our arrival at the park looked questionable, i told the bros, "i mean i'm wearing an elephant tank...i HAVE to ride an elephant today!". thankfully, my wish came true: the elephant gallump'ed down the river on it's tree-like legs, and we were all smiles riding along!

casually sittin' on an elephants neck