but good christian girls aren't supposed to be frazzled?

i've started to write this blog a number of times but seem to find the delete button faster than i can formulate words. i love jesus and i live in east asia, so my life should be blog-able everyday right? but what about when it isn't? what about the days...no weeks...no months when life has felt frantic. frazzled. full. those words aren't supposed to be what describes a good christian girl; they don't resemble peace or comfort or rest. but in the past two months, these feelings have characterized my days and flooded my mind. 

after months of prayerful consideration about whether to stay in east asia another year, i thought the lord brought me to a full point of surrender in saying "yes". little did i know this was the first of many much bigger "yes's". this first yes felt like perhaps the most uncomfortable decision i could make because i knew the life that potentially awaited me in nashville seemed every sense of IDEAL, but the Lord made it unwaveringly clear that He was calling me back here next year. despite so much unknown health-wise, despite being half-a-world-away from my family again, despite missing a bunch of dear friends weddings, despite my desire to one day teach, despite this guy i like being that same half-a-world-away; somehow God has given me a love for life in east asia and called me to say yes.

a few days after saying this first yes and in the coming weeks, i felt like the ground got ripped out from underneath me...again and again and again. i first found out my current "home" could no longer be home to me. i couldn't go to school at my sweet art-school, i couldn't eat at my favorite places, i couldn't spend time with the new sisters in this corner of the world. you're probably thinking "asia is asia, moving is no big deal, right?"...but then imagine on a whim someone telling you to move 2 states away to totally start over on a super short timeline.....oh and to figure all that out in another language (moving trucks, renting apartments, school, everything).  and then not only that, but a bunch of these people who have become like family on this side of the world, they wouldn't be moving with you either. TALK ABOUT TEARS. i've just been a puddle. but in those tears, i feel like the lord is beginning to strip me of myself.

the past couple months have been months of stripping: stripping away expectations, stripping away comforts, stripping away fears, stripping away everything that's keeping me from knowing more of jesus. so in that, i know it has to be good, right? the bible repeatedly says that suffering is for our good and His glory. but to be honest, right now it really doesn't feel very good. but then i see examples of joseph, of paul. their lives were marked by repeated suffering, but instead of running from it or asking for an out, they asked the Lord to accomplish HIS purposes. they trusted; they said yes. so even though i can understand so little of what He's doing or why it has to look like this; even though i feel frazzled because my life seems to feel like it's in shambles; even though i barely know how to take two steps forward; i'm trying to say yes. i'm trusting HIS plans, i'm longing for HIS purposes. but wow does it feel like a mess right now. thankful for our God--who doesn't tarry but enters right into my mess. 

i'd love for you to pray with and for me in this season of messy: for myself with all the transition, for my city and the Lord's plans for it, for my friends over here, for what leaving looks like, for trusting Him even when circumstances tempt me to turn to anything else.

"our God is in the HEAVENS; He does ALL that He pleases." psalm 115:3.

welcome to our world.

every year auburn offers a "vision trip" for friends and family to come over and step into our lives for the week. due to my unexpected return to the states, i actually landed back in our city an hour before our crew of 20 visitors arrived! my parents were supposed to be on this trip, but also due to my venture back to nashville and the unknown timeline of my medical needs, they ended up not being able to make it. i was disappointed they could not experience this crazy place i now call home firsthand, but was so thankful for they way they loved me up and sent me back into this harvest! as an added blessing, my best friend Rebekah, her mom, and a slew of other precious guests were actually here in EAST ASIA right as i landed to help me transition back!!!

i mean can you believe it: my best friend with me in asia...all was right in the world! it was such a JOYOUS week. i loved being able to show off our city, bring our guests to class with us, have them meet our friends here, and just see what life is like on the day-to-day. we took a few trips into town to see the 'big city' side of things, ate at all our favorite restaurants, took a trip to the local market (which caused some people to not eat the rest of the trip...), and just got to be together for hours on hours! since this place and this year has made a forever-impression on my life, it was so special for me to be able to share it with reb. now instead of just stories or simply names, these are now places she's been and people she's met. the statistics have instead become friends; the absurdity has now been experienced first-hand! reb is truly a one-of-a-kind friend who stepped into my life here, took it all in, spoke truth/love/encouragement to me, and now fully "gets it". the Lord's graciousness to me is great, and this sweet gift from Him is not one i take for granted!

we ended the week with a little trip to beijing! i had never been to this iconic city so was just as excited as our visitors to see the sites and explore all around. we saw chinese acrobats do the most crazy things with their bodies--it didn't seem like it should be humanly possible to contort as they did. we saw the GREAT WALL, and it was truly great. apparently we had the best weather the city has seen in years: we could see for miles from the top of the wall--God's glory just astounds me! we also got to experience the famous "silk markets" where you can buy anything knock-off you can imagine for pennies on the dollar...talk about full on asia. it was a wonderful weekend in beijing, but i am thankful to live where we do! beijing felt a lot like america but more a part of america i would never want to live in. thus i am happy to be home sweet home and back to the routine here!

 

surprise detour.

when i left for asia last summer, i said goodbye to all things america for what i thought would be the entire year. yet as the Lord tends to do, He had some big surprises in store for me this year. one such surprise was this persistent and unresolved health issue...due to lack of answers, i wound up back in nashville seeking some better healthcare. no one was more shocked than me by this little detour: we booked a flight back and 36 hours later i was on a plane to america: enter culture SHOCK. when i finally got to the nashville airport (after about 40 hours of solo travel), i was greeted by the most precious friends dressed in their scrubs and america gear with posters, flowers, and chickfila as well as the most wonderful parents! i couldn't have imagined a better welcome party, and i soon realized it was a miracle in itself that i made it home due to major snow/ice storms the two days i was flying. God's steady hand of protection and provision keeps showing up in this whole process.

see that tiny circle of no snow...yep, that's nash. over 10,000 cancelled flights during my two travel days.

the majority of my time back in the states was spent at doctors and hospitals trying to figure out what was wrong with me. my fear of all things medical remained, but the fact that the doctors, nurses, secretaires, and everyone in between spoke english eased my heart and mind greatly. plus, when you're sick, there truly is nothing better than being cared for by your mommy...and boy did mine do the best job! our faithful Father had his hand upon the doctors i saw, the unbelievably efficient timing of it all, and the intricate care i was given. i underwent many tests including blood tests, multiple parasite tests, an endoscopy, sigmoidoscopy, a test to see if i'm absorbing nutrients, and a homeopathic examination. fortunately, i am absorbing nutrients...beyond that, everything kept returning negative. the doctor sent me back with his blessing and is still in the process of trying to figure out how we treat symptoms. it is a huge blessing that so many illnesses we feared might live in me were nowhere to be found. during these couple weeks, i felt showered in love from so many: apparently when you're sick people give you flowers and wow did these brighten up my days!! i also was shocked to see that sunshine...after living in a place where it rarely exists, i just couldn't get used to this daily sighting! 

while home i also got to have a bit of FUN! apparently there's only so much time you can actually spend at the doctor/getting tests done and then you have to await results. so in this waiting time, the Lord had abundantly more than what i could've asked or imagined in store. i got to see some of my Chinese friends from Auburn (who drove 4 hours to see me) and hear about their growing community groups and tell them about my experiences in their homeland! one of my BEST friends got ENGAGED (i guess i better thank michael for that one)...and i got to be there for this sweet weekend with her family and our friends!! and i was able to join the crane clan for our favorite holiday celebration: mardi gras. there truly is nothing like new orleans carnival season!

after two and a half weeks home, i was finally assured i could indeed get on my flight back to the orient and jump back in on what the lord has here! my visit home was unexpected, but the time it gave me with my parents was one of the sweetest gifts i could've imagined...they love me in such a way that i can glimpse how Jesus does; what a treat! they love me enough to know that i was GIDDY to be heading back...i don't think my heart ever truly made it back to nashville as my daily communication and interest centered on this crazy little asian place i've grown to love! before i left i had a precious send-off dinner with my ballin' cool friends, ate chickfila about 5 more times, and headed back "home"! my family over here rode over an hour on the subway to come greet me and it was the BEST reunion i could've imagined. thankful to be back and falling back into the 'normal' of life around here...

anddd we're back: group pictures always include random asians.

#adventuresquad: TOP 10.

in our country, "christmas break" just isn't a thing...instead, all universities, restaurants, companies, and stores take a break for the new year holiday (which happened to be january 31st...you can riddle me that...). so we had a couple week break from school and some time away from hanging with our native friends where we got to explore some more of asia! although i have countless crazy stories, the absolute best memories, and pretty incredible pictures; squeezing it all into one blog post proved to be a challenge. i decided to make a "vacay top 10" to summarize our trip...so get ready for a whirlwind recap (in the order of adventure):

1) let the adventures begin (siem reap, cambodia). i traveled with a crew of 10, and we aptly named ourselves the #adventuresquad, as we conquered all of cambodia in a week and then spent another week exploring the beautiful beaches of thailand. i don't think i've ever laughed as hard as i did on this vacation. just to give you an idea: the guy below, miller, tried to get his pet turtle thompson through security our first night. although thompson sadly didn't make the trip, he started our adventure en route to unforgettable laughs....

i've never had a welcome sign with my name on it...

2) sunset at angkor wat (siem reap, cambodia). these ancient temples are the oldest religious buildings in the world. we spent the day biking ~30 miles from wat to wat with glimpses like this all along the way. it was the perfect first day of adventure: besides biking, we climbed all around the wats without restriction...makes me thankful we live in asia where rules aren't really a thing either. in the end, it was a day of #highwattage.

3) #adventuresquad (comin' atcha from all over asia). the coolest travel crew you could imagine, enough said.

lookin' a bit like real world china.

4) jungle trekking (ratanakiri, cambodia). not sure exactly what "trekking" was, we signed up for a day of adventure with our new friend and guide 'smiley'. we soon found out trekking is simply hiking without a path. we had a blast exploring the jungle of cambodia, eating soup cooked in a bamboo shoot, and swimming in waterfalls along the way. our legs bore the brunt of this adventure as we emerged undeniably scarred by this trek: #worthit

girls TREK selfie

5) planes, trains, automobiles, and MORE... (banlung and phnom pehn, cambodia). while traveling we racked up some crazy statistics including the fact that we traveled by plane, train, car, taxi, van, tuk-tuk, songthaew, bicycle, boat, ferry, motorbike, bus, elephant, pickup truck, and zipline (shoutout to fraser for this thorough listing). here are some of my favorites and clearly the most fun:

scooter ridin' through uncharted lands

tuk-tuk selfies for days

6) volcanic crater lake and waterfall swimming (banlung, cambodia). the bros i traveled with made an effort to swim as often as possible. we made some unforgettable memories and these pictures give a little glimpse into the unbelievable experiences. 

terch flippin' on into that crater lake (photo cred: chris o)

waterfall explorin'

how picturesque is this...can you believe we got to swim here?! (phot cred: fras)

7) sunset at the beach (koh lanta, thailand). one night i got to have a really fun dinner with this phenomenal view at the coolest little restaurant called "noon". each night at the beach we were floored by the glorious sunsets that engulfed our views! after six months of not seeing the sun in my new hometown, i've started storing up views like this!!

beyond what words can describe.

8) scuba diving (koh ha, thailand). this picture alone screams of the beauty we were surrounded by the entire week in thailand. i had the chance to scuba dive in this breath-taking water, see fascinating coral reefs and fishies, and even find NEMO! i can confidently say this is the most beautiful place i have ever been.

have you ever seen such incredible water?!

9) jungle FLIGHT (chiang mai, thailand). in chiang mai, the most popular attraction is zip-lining through the treetops. of course we could not pass that up. a crew of 24 of my new friends spent the day zip-lining through some of the most beautiful vista views i've ever seen! 33 platforms, 24 ziplines, 3 sudden drops, and an obstacle course of a hike later, we could hardly believe what we got to experience!

besties do ziplines.

10) i mean i'm riding an ELEPHANT (chiang mai, thailand). this was for sure on my life bucket-list...i still can't believe it actually came true!! after an unexpected adventure of a day, we finally ended up at the elephant park where we got to see elephants dance, play soccer, paint a picture with it's trunk, and RIDE. at one point when our arrival at the park looked questionable, i told the bros, "i mean i'm wearing an elephant tank...i HAVE to ride an elephant today!". thankfully, my wish came true: the elephant gallump'ed down the river on it's tree-like legs, and we were all smiles riding along!

casually sittin' on an elephants neck

hong kong hospital days.

there's a growing list of things that i never expected would happen when moving halfway across the world to east asia. i think the show-stopping, list-topping experience happened last week when i got to spend four days in a hospital in Hong Kong. granted i still have seven months to go, i can't imagine anything else more unexpected, frightening, yet faith-building could happen. 

things started when i got a call from our international doctors tuesday morning advising i needed to travel to "a medical center of excellence outside of mainland" in order to see western doctors. if you know me, you know medical things just FREAK me out to the max. naturally, instant tears burst forth. i had been having health issues for about a month but had seen the global doctor here in town and just kept thinking things would get better. i guess after a month of persistent symptoms, i was at a "danger level" of concern. thus, my wonderful friends scott and cat helped make arrangements, and the next morning at 3:45 AM, my roomie, kathleen, and i were up and headed to the airport to jump over to Hong Kong. 

having not seen the sunshine for the past couple months, when we landed we were mesmerized by the grandiose of blue skies and sunshine! we readily decided we loved Hong Kong!! everything we kept seeing made us conclude that HK felt like America. about an hour after landing, however, we were at the western-trained doctor's office where he deemed i needed to immediately be admitted to this hospital for observation because my health was at a dangerous concern. (instant tears once again...beginning to see a theme? i later found out this doctor wrote that i was "emotionally unstable" when he admitted me to the hospital because of all this crying...go figure asia. i wanted to ask him what he would think if he was in a foreign hospital with words like 'disease', 'condition', 'procedure' being constantly thrown around...). so about an hour later i was checking into the hospital.

maybe that's a mixture of terror and shock...what is my life these days?!

the next few days kinda feel like i blur as i endured many medical things i'm still pretty scared of! after about 17 IV stab attempts, they finally got that in. thus through IVs, blood work, x-rays, so many medicines, a restricted diet, and even a colonoscopy...i emerged on the other side of it. shockingly each medical procedure kept yielding negative results so finding the root of my problem proved troublesome. finally (the doctor might've just been tired of my tears), after four days in that hospital, he released me with a simple diagnosis and meds for the next month. 

some Hong Kong nuns came a' christmas caroling for us!

although this tops the charts for undesirable circumstances while living abroad, i cannot deny the abundant opportunity to learn while i was there and the clear blessings the Lord bestowed while in HK:

• kathleen was SUCH a gift to have as my travel companion, friend, and nurse. she tirelessly served me in the sweetest ways, had the most calming presence, and even willingly slept on foam mats on the hospital floor one night...talk about a one-of-a-kind GEM of a friend who loves me so well!
• we were home for CHRISTMAS: leaving for HK on december 18th left me quite uncertain what the holiday would look like. with each passing day my fear that i would be spending this christmas in a hospital seemed ever more likely. sweet kathleen bought us christmas decorations and everything. thankfully the Lord answered the prayers of many people and got us home just in time!
• the most precious nurse who came each evening. i have no idea what was different about her (i pray it was that she knew the Lord), but this sweet lady who didn't speak a lick of english just brightened my days in the best ways! she had such JOY that radiated forth. we would giggle together, attempt to communicate in mandarin (our semi-common language), look at pictures of our families, and just laugh each time she came in my room. she was such treasure of a gift!
  
• the reminder that NEVER ONCE DID I EVER WALK ALONE. this song has gotten my sister through some tough seasons in her little corner of the world, and it did just that for me. not just in lyric, but in the near-tangible presence of the Lord i felt with me in that hospital. as i was wheeled into different rooms for various procedures and all seemed so foreign, the one constant i could cling to was my Jesus! 
• scott's father-like presence in taking care of literally every detail of our week in HK. he was constantly checking on me, my health symptoms, my emotional state, and handling every little and big detail of getting things worked out. his aide kept us at such peace each day!
• HEALING: praying for healing is something i've always been a bit nervous to ask because it often feels like the impossible. while laying in that hospital bed i was often reminded of mark 11:23 and the Lord's power to move mountains when we truly BELIEVE. saturday morning (the day i was released), i woke up with such a feeling of hope and a confidence in His healing power. i finally just asked with full faith for healing to come over my body because the medical tests sure weren't finding anything. (along with my prayers there were hundreds of others lifting me up....and wow does He answer). not even three hours later, i was being released from that hospital...i can so confidently say that i have been privileged to feel that our God truly is a HEALER!

i mean just look at those smiles: besties.

this is my journal from the morning i was released...He SURE does answer.

now that i'm back home (it's still a bit weird i now call this place home), i have been reflecting upon this hospital stay and just seeing God in it in so many new ways. His provision is perfect, His timing so incomprehensible, yet His love so evident. despite crying more in five days than the rest of my life combined, despite longing for my parents to be at that hospital with me, despite never knowing what was going on or why my body wasn't getting better, despite seemingly everything going against me...the Lord continues to give me such contentment here, and i can still say i truly love my life here in EA! thank you for praying with me, texting me, emailing my mother, and any/every other way you've helped support me in this process!!

before we flew back, kathleen and i had a quick chance to see this spectacular view of HK!

not your typical class field trip.

i'm a big fan of field trips. they're often a way to get a hands-on learning experience that can impart far greater knowledge than simply sitting in the classroom. i would say my first asian class field trip did exactly that! we've been studying language for 3 months now and are finally to the point where we can converse simply with people around town. thus, our teacher (laoshi shen) decided she would teach us to make "jiaozi" (aka dumplings): from start to finish.

we began our day meeting laoshi shen at the busiest market in town. if i ever doubted that i live in asia, i just needed about one second in this place to be reminded of the absurdity of my surroundings. we joke about it, but you can literally find ANYTHING in this place: flowers, vegetables, dental work, heat lamps, scooter repairs, woks, key makers, masseuse...i mean anything. (sometimes we longingly say somewhere in this market there must be FRO-YO...oh how i wish!) as you can see below, the rumor about asians eating dog proved ever too true as we saw an entire pup for sale amidst the other meat; welcome to asian life. this might've been the most SHOCKING hour and a half in all of asia....

just your local dentist...

yes, that's right: an entire dog worth of meat for sale. help me.

cause who wouldn't want blood with their fish heads?
(fraser's steppin a little too close, no wonder we take our shoes off before coming inside) 

duck dynasty aint got nothin on asia...

finding an asian teacher amidst hundreds upon hundreds of asians was a challenge in itself. however, after our class finally all met up, we were given assignments of various ingredients to locate, ask the price of, and bargain for the specific amount we wanted. it was an empowering experience as it forced us to utilize our language and yielded successful results!

veggies on veggies on veggies on veggies

a whole new view on buying meat...stabbed with a metal hook means it's fresh, right?

talk about fresh.

tongxue (classmates) explorin'

after gathering all of the needed ingredients, we scooted over to our teachers house to begin making jiaozi. this was a cultural experience in itself as it took 4 hours to chop, prepare, and cook the jiaozi properly! laoshi shen invited over some of her asian students to join us. due to their cultural norms, they would let us help with very little but did 'teach' us quite a bit. it was a joy to hear about their hometowns, fellowship together as classmates, and truly feel welcomed and at home in our teachers house. 

choppin' for hours.

assembling the jiaozi

one little, two little, many little jiaozi.

the final result: we made hundreds...

in the end we got to eat the long-anticipated jiaozi. it was DELICIOUS! we fried some and steamed others, but my favorite were the fried jiaozi (no surprise to those who know my eating habits). i love that we had a chance to put our language to the test and the opportunity to learn to cook such a traditional asian food! i'm excited for more class adventures to come...